What I've decided...

So here is the consensus...

1. I will continue to live at home for at least the next year.
2. I quit my job. I'm now looking for a part time one.
3. I am going on tour with Eisley starting April 1st and I'm not sure how long i'll stay on the tour but I'll keep you guys updated.
4. I have a couple of leads for jobs but I'm basiclly hoping to follow God's lead to pick the right one.
5. I want more from God.

The End.

NOTE CONCERNING #5: After 20 years of following God I realized the other night that I might be back at square one... not having a clue as to what I want from God. I found this mildly depressing but then again it's strangely liberating to just be able to say "God I want more from you."

OK The Real End.

It takes two to tango

It always comes down to the sad truth of the phrase "it takes two to tango". It's a terrible fact that no matter how determined or loyal you are someone that they can just walk away from you with all of your dreams stuffed into their backpack along with old coffee mints and dirty laundry. How do you find someone who understands the type of commitment it takes to make a relationship last for a lifetime? How do you find someone who would put his life on hold for the sake of being what you need? How do you know that someone will never leave you no matter how hard things are?

Over the last few months I've seen some of the people closest to me have their hearts torn out because they made a commitment to guys who only thought they knew what a relationship was about. One such person is someone i would say understands commitment and selflessness more than anyone else I know, but that wasn't enough for him. And another was living out her fairy tale with prince charming, until less than a year after being married he left her. She never saw it coming. Both of these girls are amazingly talented and unique and yet even they cannot seem to find someone who knows what it means to be wholeheartedly committed to someone.

So when I see these things happening I'm not only hurting for them... i'm scared for myself. How do i find that? Because I can only speak for myself when I say that when I make a commitment to love and cherish someone for the rest of my life I intend to do just that. But as a see all too often that sometimes isn't enough.

And I don't want anyone to think this is a "man hating" post... not at all. I know plenty of girls who are capable of this same thing. I just so happen to be referring to two guys who are too selfish and self centered to make a true commitment.

One think I can see from all of this is that God HAS TO BE the center of the relationship FOR BOTH PEOPLE. And i suppose this is what i'm looking for... because i don't know where else to start.

Here is a bit of a post made by someone who I consider to be completely selfless, generous, and gracious.

"...Valentines Day is just around the promising corner...and I'd like to say a lot of things.....but less is sometimes the best...so here they come :

Happy true-love... Happy life-long-loyalty... Happy faithfulness... Happy cherishing.. Happy respect.... Happy till-death-do-you-part.... Happy for-rich-or-for-poor... Happy sickness-or-health..... Happy come-hell-or-high-water.... Happy selflessness.... Happy giving-when-you-think-you-shouldn't-have-too....... Happy accepting-the-truth.... Happy coming-clean-up-front.... Happy humility.... Happy going-the-extra-mile... Happy admitting-your-pride.... Happy contentment-and- commitment.... Happy affectionateness... Happy passion-romance-and-excitement.... Happy purity and patience.... Happy growing-up-and-growing-old-together... Happy best-friends.... Happy never-giving-up.... Happy never-leaving... Happy teaching-each-other.... Happy not-living-for-yourself.... Happy denying-areas-of-denial..... Happy no-matter-what... Happy I-love-and-want-only-you....Happy........the end."

Today

I'm going to say this like i don't say it all the time, simply because it needs to be said. 

I love Rob Bell.

So there you go... that is the intro to my story/thoughts today. I've in fact been thinking that this post is a few days over due because my thoughts really begin on Wednesday night at the Highschool Girls Home Group that I lead. We've been going through Rob Bell's Nooma videos each week and we are just about out, so aside from my slight panic at actually having to come up with my own lessons, I was really trying savor what he was saying so i could perhaps regurgitate it into my own lesson at some later time. The one we were watching was "Today" and as you can guess he was talking about embracing this time in your life so not only are we living to our fullest we won't look back and regret anything. We wont be "stuck in our past" and find ourselves trying to relive being the star athlete or the popular musician in 20 years. I thought it was a great video but I was disappointed that the girls had even less to say about it than they usually do. 

Oh well not such a big deal... but then when I had a bunch of them all piled in my car so i could drive them home they started discussing it among themselves. And as I sat there listening to them I learned a thing or two from some of the most unlikely people. 

I think out of all that was said the thing that stuck with me the most was what one girl said about how she misses this one particular time in her life. She says that she finds herself more and more lately wanting to be back there, but when she thinks about it she knows that her best friend at the time was a bad influence and her boyfriend was no good for her, and yet she can't help but miss it and until tonight she couldn't have told you why. But she said that she thinks it's because she didn't worry as much then. Now she's always stressed out about so many different things and most of them are beyond her control, so what she really misses is trusting God to take care of things. And so right there in the car she decided that trusting God is going to be her "time machine". So she can live in the "here and now" and still have what she misses most from previous years. 

And as we all sat in silence driving in the car my ipod started playing "Carry You" by Jimmy Eat World which ironiclly has the lyrics 

"So here's to living in the moment, because it passed"

It was a great moment... just when i thought God wasn't going to show up, there he was.

When I know I'm all alone
I say your name slowly
And I know that I'm alone
But I'll carry you

Does it feel good like the memory
When you try some history
It's a dream to come around
But who doesn't then,
Because the taste doesn't taste the same again

It's easy feeling righteous when you're new
All you'll get is what you wanna hear
It hurts because it should
How else am I to make it clear?

I could never be the one that you want, don't ask.
Well, here's to living in the moment
'Cause it passed.

Maybe your lie is what I need sometimes
You told the most and best of anyone
You said to "keep me in your pocket"
So I carried you

You better choose your words carefully
Because I'm not your anything
Gonna stay here in my place
And you'll stay in yours because
Your only good is what you're good for

I pace around the room to spend the time
Waiting while the burning pictures fade
One thing to make your mind
And another to say it's me

I could never be the one that you want, don't ask.
Well, here's to living in the moment
'Cause it passed, it passed.

I'm still carrying a little hope that
Maybe things could be different now
Is that so wrong, is that so wrong, is that so wrong?

Would I see you tonight
At a place we'll go
(going through the motions, they lead to rhythm motion)
I wanna make things right
Before time runs out.
(was like you said, the taste don't taste like it should)
Roll down the windows
Like the cold, they're coming
Slap my face just to feel, to feel you somehow again, again

I could never be the one that you want, don't ask.
Well, here's to living in the moment
'Cause it passed.

I could never be the one that you want, don't ask.
Yeah, here's to living in the moment
'Cause it passed.
'Cause it passed, it passed, it passed.

"And so it was that the blogging life of Madison had become to cramped and she no longer was able to express herself. So seeing no other way to escape the prying eyes of fo-fans and youngsters she fled to the safe arms of blogger.com.

And she lived happily ever after... or so she hopes."